life is so fuck?

every single fucking day and night.i never stop thinking(ade otak rupenye).why and what am i thinking?growing up is ain't no fun.you'll get loved,get hurt,get lost and you die.shit.seriously people around me look so fucking happy with their life.but how about me?i never enjoyed every fucking secs in my life.on with music i can gone for a while from my reality.i wish i could live in here and died here.seeing everyone being happy doesn't mean I'm envy of their happiness,they just deserve it.seeing people in love just makes me felt terrible.I'm too naive for love.everyday i wake up,i told to my self "don't fucking care bout' loves,you don't deserve any of them because you hate yourself so fucking much!".if i turn away,am i will be strong enough to been hurt?i almost lost myself and my mind before.my life felt like the end.i never thinking bout' ending my life just because of that.hey,if i died;who's gonna play some sounds for the closed?come on..they can take my style,but not my fucking brain.the only thing i proud of is when my brain connects to my fingers while my ears lead them straight to making sounds.
people say love is their needed to breath or do what the fuck they do.for me,i still don't know what they are.i never been blessed by those words they called love.but i think right now,I've been cursed by those words.if i loved somebody,they muted me.so i can tell her or make some moves.now great.i don't wanna think about that for right now.go fuck yourfuckingself.haunt me,chase me,they won't able to kill me but I'm tortured by them.it such a pain.I'm not gonna question bout' why they were so fucking complicated.I'm just...dead.
why can everyone enjoyed their life easily when i can't.people doesn't know me,too much sorrow inside of me.it's dark.I'm faking my smile,faking my laugh,faking bout how i felt.I'm just like 24-hours-pain.I'm abuse myself and i don't know how to stop.i don't know what i want.if someone can feel how did i felt,I'll be sure that he or she will be crazy or they better died.no one can describes me,I'm indescribable.if you can judge me,you are totally wrong.you never know me.
on a night that i remembered before i closed my eyes and fall asleep.suddenly tears falls but i don't realize it until in the morning.i think i remembered by thinking of someone and "that" image comes like a flash.what the heck I'm doing?I'm thinking of her?but why?i still didn't get the answer.if i asking why,I'll be sure that all the typical answer.blablabla.bullshit.it's so fucking complicated.
I'm out with someone these days.but I'm confused.did i know what am i doing?having fun or having revenge?or maybe not both of those question.it feels like it's not me.I'm also confused on what am i doing?am i ready?am i ready for this?but for sure,being with her..makes me forget am i face every single day.i felt like I'm smiling.She's not like typical girl that I've known before.Something like hardness inside.For the first time,i met a stranger and i make a move to know her.we still be friend,it's feel pretty good hang out with her.every day i wish i could let it out from my fucking mouth.
oh fuck.I'm so confused right now,i don't know what am i gonna do.if i did make a wrong choices.would i be regret?would i will be able to being learn?or will i take it for granted?seriously,that why i said or write,whatfuckingever;Life Is So Fuck.
ahh.i need to fucking off right now,my nose bleed like hell.I'm gonna being sick tomorrow.